This topic is on my mind a lot lately! First, I’m approaching 73 and have been living 36 years in a fairly damaged body, brought on by the plane crash in 1987. So I’ve learned both to live with some pain, but also to find what I call ‘work arounds’, meaning how to keep legs supple, how to manage pain, how to wear a brace on long stretches of stress, how to budget energies, for examples.
But lately as I explore my advanced years, I realize that there’s a fine line; a balance point. On the one hand, I can feel myself shrinking my universe as I withdraw from society and work. Where I used to happily take risks, climb on the roof to clean gutters or trim trees, or travel alone to strange and difficult places; these days I’m more likely to think in terms of ready, AIM, AIM, AIM, fire instead of ready, fire. And I think there is a balance to be reached here. I want to continue to take risks and enjoy life; yet I also want to be mindful of the consequences of the risks I’m taking.
Thus, when I pack for a trip, my kit looks much different than it used to do. The blood pressure medication plus tea tree oil or Thieves oil must travel with me; a few snacks, neck pillow, noise cancelling headphones, underwear and toothbrush need to be handy at all times. I like printed copies of all tickets and confirmations for hotels, etc. I don’t think I’m being anal as much as being thoughtful and careful that the things I need are in place.
But, I still enjoy the risks. A good example: I’ve never thought of myself as a strong swimmer. Basically I’m self-taught, so use something of a crawl without letting my head go under water most of the time. Now that I live by the sea part of the year, I enjoy swimming. But it’s only been in the last year that I’ve allowed myself to swim directly out into the sea instead of swimming along the shore so I knew my feet could touch the seabed at any moment if I felt panicked or in trouble in any way. These days I’m happily swimming straight away from the shore.
I do pay attention to conditions: is the sea rough today? Are the waves coming in strongly, or from a direction? Does the wind make the waves choppier? I subconsciously calculate these factors as I decide how far away from land I’ll go…aim, aim, aim. On a rough day, the first swim may be a short one so I can know I’ll find my way back to shore with no surprises. And I do enjoy the idea of giving myself to the sea and becoming one with it in a way that staying anchored to the shore will never give me. While I take a mild risk, I soften that risk by keeping my mind fixed on the variables…I aim a bit more than I used to do.
I’ve also mentioned that I’m getting better at finding rest points. Yard work is still something I enjoy; just not in large doses! I learned from my grandfather that there’s nothing wrong with rest periods when working. A year ago, my back was really bothering me after a very difficult work trip with some bodywork that stirred the old injury and I could barely move. I decided that if it was going to hurt all the time anyway, I might as well try to ‘work it out’. Thus, I reset a patio of about 150 pavers weighing about 25—30 pounds each. As I dug them up, added foundation to bring up the level of the patio, and releveled the entire project, I estimate I moved each block about 5 times…by my calculation I think I moved one ton of blocks! And after, my back didn’t feel worse, but I felt better for the achievement.
I think this is a tricky balancing act. As we get older, many of us get a bit more timid. I’m reframing that timidity into conscious evaluation of circumstances so that I decide how far I want to dip into risky behavior. I haven’t given up on risky; I just want to monitor the quality of risk I choose. And I’m enjoying life by finding risks that make me feel alive but don’t kill me!
Am I aging gracefully? Probably not: I find I’m crankier, I enjoy solitude much more each year, and my old injuries can sometimes rear up and cause grief. Yet, I’m still traveling, I’m still working on various projects, and I’m still looking to maintain that balance that says ‘aim’ while remembering a bit of risk is OK. I think we either decide to keep expanding, or we’re shrinking. I’m not ready to shrink.